You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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