you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize