Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
