Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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