Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
