i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
