**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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