I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
