DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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