have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How naked do you want me to be?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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