I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize