I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
