omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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