so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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