i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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