is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
