The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
