i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
