I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
