mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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