I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
