Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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