hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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