It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
