Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
