hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
