What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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