I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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