I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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