i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
