I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
