please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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