I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
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