Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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