My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I am spending my child support on dildos
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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