ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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