Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
