I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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