I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize