i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
