I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
