He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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