Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
