Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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