Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
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