Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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