You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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