I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
