I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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