His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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