So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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