I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
