just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
