before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
