he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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