You just made me feel so damn special
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
