Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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