I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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