I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
