So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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