I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
