Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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