If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
